I have been going back and forth on whether to blog about this or not. Then I realized that no matter how hard of a time I am having right now, I don't want to forget or pretend it is not happening. Mom and/or Lois, if you are reading and wondering why I hadn't told you, please don't take offense. I want to tell you both but I don't want to talk about it. So, why blog about it? This is my outlet, my way of talking about something without talking about it. That probably makes zero sense to everyone, except to me. Enough of the why's, on to the subject.
I am going through my second miscarriage in three months. I was really a mess the beginning of December, probably the saddest and most down I had ever been. I was really taking the miscarriage that I suffered at the beginning of October hard. I found out I was pregnant in September and was beyond thrilled. It was my fifth pregnancy, I already had one little angel in heaven from a previous miscarriage in 2006. Having to send a second baby to heaven was the hardest thing I have ever had to cope with. Then right after Christmas, when I was starting to deal better with my loss, I found out I was pregnant. Again, I was thrilled, but this time so guarded and I did not let myself get attached to the idea. Then yesterday comes around, and it was like I was right back in October. The timing almost exactly the same, the ultrasound pretty much identical, and the outcome both ending with me sending a child to heaven. I now have six children and although I hold them all in my heart, it is so hard knowing that I did not get to hold three of those children in my arms.
I am loosing this baby as I type and it doesn't get easier, if anything it gets much much harder. I don't know what happens from here. Ted says we just try again right away, but I don't know how many losses I can take. These losses feel different than my first loss, like there is an underlying problem that won't let me sustain the pregnancies. I can't shake the idea that something is going wrong that I could fix, if only I knew what was going wrong. There has to be something I could do, but what? And again, how much more loss can I really handle without totally going off the deep end??
Well, despite my suffering, I still have three little boys that need their mommy and right now need their mommy to make them breakfast. So, on to making breakfast and going on with my life trying to live it like nothing really happened. But, it has happened. I just blogged about how it happened, and now there is no pretending it did not happen.